[♪]
♪ I used to be the queen of the music scene♪
♪ Cristal, Prada, limousines ♪
♪ I was living large 'til trouble found me ♪
♪ Now I'm stuck in hell suburbia ♪
♪ Never knew what two kids could do to ya ♪
♪ Soccer moms and car pools make me scream ♪
♪ (screams) ♪
♪ This is gonna be tough ♪
♪ But I've got to ma-ma- Mother Up! ♪
I got a guy who makes me animals.
It's a leopard shark but with real leopard legs,
like god should have done.
You're not keeping that thing here.
I got no choice.
It didn't get along with the falcon-whale.
I'm staring down a barrel on this one!
The condo board in my building ain't budging.
Usually they look the other way but they're
taking a stand because it ate the doorman.
Oh, my god, really? Over a doorman?
Mommy, I-I-I-I-I-I-I.
Your kid's skipping.
My teacher said I didn't do a good job
on my project!
Hey, it worked!
I'm getting pretty good at this mom thing.
What am I going to do?
Oh, honey. Here's a little advice:
If you try something and you aren't good at it,
then quit.
Really?
Of course. Life's short, why the hell spend it
doing things you suck at?
Just find the easy route and go with that.
Hey Rudi, do you mind if I hop in for a quick dip?
I'm filthy with Glorious dirt-Fruit
from the tree of hard labor.
Sure, no problem.
Aaaaahhhhhh!
(screaming)
I saw my whole life pass before my eyes.
And you stayed awake?
Why you so dirty anyway?
I spent the day building sets for the school play.
Oh, ha! You got arrested?
Good for you.
Having a record gives you street cred.
That's why I set fire to that outlet mall.
I didn't get arrested.
Well, who does stuff like that
unless it's community service?
Volunteers, that's who!
The cape-less heroes of society.
Anyway, about the school play,
I could use some help.
I can't. I'm opposed to volunteering
for political reasons...
or, uh, religious...
or uh...
I'm not going to help because I don't want to.
What about your kid, who's-his-nuts?
Oh, Joel. I asked him but he said no,
and some other things with a lot of swearing.
He makes a strong case.
Yeah, I'm worried about him.
All he wants to do is listen to crazy music and
scream-tell me things he says are wrong about me.
It's called being a teenager.
Maybe if you talked to him.
He does like music and since you
used to be in the industry...?
still am, taking a break.
Maybe hearing things from you
would set him on the right path.
I am kind of a big deal in the entertainment
world so I get why he would look up to me.
Alright, I'll do it right after I figure out
something my kid, Apple, doesn't suck at.
Oh! Hey, Apple.
I'm sure you're not terrible at everything,
we just haven't found the thing you're good at yet.
(sigh)
You're a good mom.
Thanks Greg. You're a good mom too.
Apple... Apple, if this is a hypnotism thing
then from now on you love getting up
before Mommy and putting the coffee on.
I'm just doing what you said.
I quit things I'm not good at and since I'm not
good at anything I'm just going to stay here
and do nothing forever.
That's a terrible plan.
Eventually you'll rot and Ruin my good Couch.
Another Banner day of motherhood.
Come on. I'll help you figure it out.
Well, cross off baton twirling, cosmetology,
ultimate fighting and wine Steward.
The twisty spike bit my hand.
It's called a corkscrew.
Learn to use it. It's your friend.
What if I turn out to never be good at anything?
Just stay thin.
There are tons of rich, homely foreign men
who will do anything for a skinny white wife.
I don't want to get married!
I didn't mean right now.
That's worst case scenario.
But, you know, stay in shape
so it's always a last resort option.
Mommy, my hand still hurts from the corkscrew.
Here hold this, it'll make the owie go away.
What about your plays, Apple?
You could write a new one.
That's a great idea, Dick.
I can write one for my teacher and maybe
she'll like it and maybe that's what I'm good at.
There you go: Apple the playwright.
Hope you like gay guys and studio apartments.
I'm going to start right now.
Thanks Dick.
And mommy.
I hate everything about everything!
(loud distorted music)
okay. I told Greg I'd talk to you,
so here I am doing that.
I hope that Shark eats his face, a lot!
Well, that's hilarious but not a solution.
So what's your problem?
Nobody here gets me.
I hate it. I hate it!
Not everything is about you.
I used to live in a great penthouse apartment,
Parties, nannies, limos, the works.
Now I'm stuck here.
So I've got way more reasons
to hate this place than you.
Anyway, hope that helps.
If you like these guys
you should check out the phace phisters.
Their album, "Hey kids, let's eviscerate
the babysitter" Makes Puke factory
sound like chainsaw toothbrush.
Mommy, mommy, my teacher liked my play.
She even let Principal Moxley read it.
What play? Did I know about that?
The one I wrote. Remember?
Let me see.
Do you like it? Is it good?
You're weirding me out.
Go do something while I read it.
If there's a magical pony in here
I'm going to shoot myself in the face.
Apple, come here.
Was it okay?
Okay?! Thanks to your play, and mostly me,
we're going to be stars.
I want to talk to you about
the kindergarten play.
Word on the playground
is this year's play is a bust.
Kids are talking.
There may be some unrest regarding
"Starbattle Othello".
it's only going to get worse.
So let's cancel it and do Apple's play instead.
We most certainly can not present a play
written by a child.
Isn't that the whole point?
Isn't the whole reason for doing a play
so that the kids can grow
through Imagination and experience?
What's the angle?
Apple is the star and I'm the new director.
I'm not leaving my kid's fate
in the hands of some amateur.
All right, commander desdemona,
get ready to teleport to neptune to confront
bors-Bors the alien and your one True love.
Commence with acting!
Cut, stop, and scene.
I insist you remove yourself from these
noble boards upon which the dreams of-
The quality of this year's production
is of such a low standard that I fear
all of acting may be destroyed.
As such, the decision has been made that
this year's kindergarten school play
will be an original work written by
this very talented little girl.
And directed by her equally talented mother,
Rudi. Possibly even more talented.
I must protest.
As school nurse and head of the
Willowdale amateur thespians,
the school play, nay, this very stage,
has always been my domain. Nay!
Well, all mediocre things must come to an end.
All right. Everything here is terrible.
Get rid of it.
Uh, let's not be too quick on the draw.
A lot of effort went into this, plus all my
vacation time from work, and I flew to India
to soak in the aura of a master builder.
Well, it's the wrong backdrop for this.
Apple, hit it!
♪ I left my dreams in the city ♪
♪ giving up is all for the best ♪
♪ now I live in the suburbs ♪
♪ I'm on my way to less ♪
That little piece of magic
can't happen on a spaceship.
Hello, work. I quit. I've got a set to build.
All right everyone, we're starting over.
Rehearsal every morning, 4:00 am
and every day after school.
Apple's the star. The rest of you figure out
who you're going to be on your own.
I profanely proclaim that unless this
affront to my artistry is corrected
I shall end it all... dramatically!
Yeah. Does the director have her own office?
If so, get your stuff out of it, I'm gonna need it.
Well, we have to tear everything down
and start again but as they say in Bulgaria:
Yay, suffering.
Everything that comes out of your mouth is stupid!
Ha Ha Ha ha ha, you're right.
It does make you feel good to volunteer.
I wish I had more thumbs for you.
I wish you had no thumbs!
That would be justice.
Hey Greg, how long's it gonna take
to get rid of all this junk?
I'll do it. I'll smash it all real good.
(primal screams)
I don't know what you're worried about.
He seems like a good kid.
So, Apple must be excited.
Of course she is.
It's not often an amateur gets to work
with an entertainment pro like me.
The important thing is that the kids all
have fun and feel good about themselves.
Exactly. No one feels good about themselves
if they're involved in something that sucks.
Oh, hey Rudi.
I downloaded that Phace Phisters CD.
It's really good. Anyway, my idiot
step-dad said he didn't need my help anymore
'cuz I threw a hammer at his knee.
So I was thinking I could, like,
help you or something.
Uh-huh.
I could do the lighting.
Sure, sure, do that.
I'm not going to let you down!
It's going to be the best damn lighting
you ever saw!
Better than Anything those jerks on Broadway
ever thought of!
You have left me no choice.
I shall perish for art.
Greg, it's been almost a day.
Are the sets done yet?
Yes... in my mind.
Joel quit after I begged him to stop throwing
hammers at my knees so I'm on my own.
Well, Dick's always looking for a
father figure and you're kind of a man.
I'll go get him to help.
Doesn't he have class?
Priorities, Greg.
I'm telling you, the play's good. Damn good.
It's one of the best pieces of writing
I've ever read.
And once I get through rewriting most of it
it'll be even better.
Well, won't Apple be upset?
Yes. No. Maybe.
Look, all that matters is the play is a hit.
I'm a hit maker. Apple isn't.
Have you ever written a play before?
You're losing sight of what's important.
This play is my first step towards getting
back on top of the entertainment industry.
It's not a good idea to put that much pressure
on little kids.
Wrong. Brutally intense pressure
is good for five year old kids.
It helps separate the winners from the losers.
Trust me, when they're pulling down six figures
instead of turning tricks in a truck stop
parking lot they'll look back on this experience
and thank me.
I tell ya, framing that set was a bitch.
(gasp)
Oh, right, kids aren't supposed to swear.
Go to your room.
Fair enough. (burp)
Remember kids, if you embarrass yourselves
then you embarrass me and that's worse.
Go again.
♪ Everything for me, is a possibility ♪
♪ you are wrong! ♪
♪ My future is wide open ♪
♪ get ready for disappoint- ♪
Cut, stop. If the title of this play was
"Kids Who Can't Sing or Dance"
we'd be in great shape.
I was afraid of this but don't worry.
I have a solution.
Meet your new musical director.
Raise your hand if you know how to twerk.
Yeah, that's what I figured.
But it's cool, I brought a pro.
Delaqueeshna, hit it!
♪ listen to me listen to me ♪
♪ listen to me now ♪
♪ listen to me listen to me ♪
♪ listen to me now ♪
But mommy, I liked my songs. They're good.
I know, Apple, but good isn't good enough
to get me anywhere.
Now go practice and listen to
everything 2bit tells you.
I was up all night working on my designs,
Rudi. Check 'em out.
Too dramatic. It's not a heavy metal show.
Scrap it all, start again.
But I worked really Hard.
Look kid, save that crap for the first video for
whatever terrible band you will eventually form.
I'm not a kid! I'm a guy!
No! This is stupid.
Dammit. What now?
And you're not even that good, Apple.
Who the hell are you?
She's being mean to me, mommy.
All right, new rule.
From now on, no one looks Apple in the eye and
no one talks to her unless she speaks to you first.
You all have a lot to learn about the theatre
and how to treat a star.
But I'm the best.
I should be the star of the play.
Oh, please. By third grade
when your looks dry up you'll be a nobody.
♪ I left my dreams in the city ♪
♪ giving up is all for the best ♪
♪ now I live in the suburbs ♪
♪ I'm on my way to less ♪
Everybody - Meet the new star of the play.
Mommy!
(crying)
We open tonight and we still have
a hell of a lot of work to do.
Sarah's got some new scripts for everyone.
I was up all night doing rewrites so you all
have a lot of new lines to memorize.
But...
it was depressing.
People want to be entertained:
Love, mystery, glitz, glamour -
thanks to me this play now has all of that.
Watch this.
Come on, Delaqueeshna, work it out now!
Yo, things about to get mother-(bleep) Real
up in this bitch.
Yo Molly, show 'em what you got girl!
♪ I'm a Manhattan honey ♪
♪ used to dream about the money ♪
♪ hadda give it all up and stop ♪
♪ I'm a star, this place can take me far ♪
I saw what your mom did.
She sucks. Everything sucks!
I just wanted to be good at something.
Now it's not even my play anymore and
I'm not even a good enough me to be me.
We should totally get back at your mom
for doing this to us.
How?
I don't know.
I have too much teenage anger to think.
We just need to ruin the play.
There's a leopard shark in my backyard.
We could let it loose during the play
and scare everyone away.
That is the best idea anyone has ever had!
Thanks for all your help, Dick.
One purpose through the hands of many
gets a something done.
I don't know what that means.
That is an exact quote from something
I thought of once when I was
pulling a Leech off my face.
And one of these days I bet one of us
figures out what that means.
So just remember, no matter what happens
out there, do not disappoint me.
That's the key thing.
La-La-La-Wooo-Woooo B-B-B-B-B.
This play is going to rock!
Why is Fergus dressed like that?
There are no hip hop flowers in suburbia.
It's his favorite costume.
He wears it for every play.
He'll just stand in the background.
Oh, no, he won't.
My vision does not have flowers in it.
Leave Fergy alone, Rudi.
Maybe this isn't a good idea.
Your mom deserves it.
Now, when she comes out at the end
to take her bow, I push this button
and the doors open and plop!
Leopard shark attack.
It's going to be hilarious,
especially if it eats my step-Dad.
I guess.
This play isn't about you
little miss "Only Thinks About Herself" pants.
I'm sorry but I won't apologize for that.
In the real world of theatre
stage moms do not talk to directors that way.
Well, this isn't the real theatre.
Half the actors still have nap time.
And the point is?
The children! Your children!
Look at how happy Dick is.
And do you remember how happy Apple was
when it was her play?
She felt special, Rudi, like Dick does now.
Well, I was just trying to make sure
she didn't make a fool of herself.
I think you're more worried about yourself.
Mommy, I think I pooped my flower.
Sweetie, that's okay.
Fergus, honey, you're just a little boy.
♪ Listen to me listen to me ♪
♪ listen to me now ♪
♪ listen to me listen to me ♪
♪ listen to me now ♪
♪ listen to me listen to me ♪
♪ listen to me now ♪
♪ listen to me listen to me listen to me ♪
Apple, come here.
What now?
I'm sorry, Apple. I got caught up in everything
and kind of lost track of what's important.
That it's just a play for little kids?
Actually, that there isn't going to be
anyone important in the audience;
but yes, that too.
Come here.
All right. We're doing the original play
with Apple as the lead.
Really, mommy? Do you mean it?
What! That's not fair. I quit.
From what? I just replaced you with Apple.
(gasp!)
We can't do it anymore.
Too late.
She choked my love with her noose of words.
No, listen.
Just because she makes a lot of mistakes every day
and forgets us places and doesn't cook
and doesn't know what grade I'm in
or when Dick's real birthday is
doesn't mean she's not a good mom
and she's my--Mom and I love her.
She doesn't deserve to get eaten by a scary monster.
Come on, sweetie, the curtain's about to rise.
But...
goodbye big city.
Take good care of my dreams.
I don't need them anymore.
♪ Sure you can see more stars out here ♪
♪ but what's the point in wishing ♪
♪ this place has sucked so much life from me ♪
♪ don't even know what I'm missing ♪
♪ here's a secret just for you ♪
♪ please don't tell my mother ♪
Uh, I'm right here.
♪ I like my friends, I like this place ♪
♪ better than the other ♪
♪ I left my dreams in the city ♪
♪ giving up is all for the best ♪
♪ now I live in the suburbs ♪
♪ we're on our way to less! ♪
(cheering)
Well done, children.
And now please continue your applause
for the play's director, Rudi Wilson.
(cheering)
Run!
(screams)
Leave my friend alone!
Thanks, Dick.
(laughing)
Ow!
What the hell have I gotten myself into?
Come on, kids. Let's go home.
It is home, isn't it?
For now, not forever.
Stop making fun of me.